The Means to an End?

I stopped writing because I really thought no one cared about anything I had to say.  I sank into a deep abyss where I did the worst possible thing I could do.  I stopped doing everything I loved.  I stopped reading, knitting, writing,  cooking, hiking, enjoying my life, and generally everything that made me - ME!  I let life beat me down and accepted it and became something akin to whatever animal a sloth and a snail would make if they were to mate.  Not the slowness of them, but the way in which they move through life.  Life must speed past them like a high-speed train - I envision some scene I must have seen on television where the person is moving along sadly and everything else around them is moving 10 times faster.

I became a sad wallowing woman for a time-being and would like to find out how to return ME to me.  My heart has always been on my sleeve and I thought I was an easy-to-read person and that people understood who I was.  It turns out that I am more mopey than fun and tend to get lost in my own misery.  Of course, I knew that.  I just didn't know that I knew.

My life has changed so much since I started writing this 'knitting blog'.  I no longer have the job I had when I started this.  I have moved down the ladder quite drastically over the last eight years.  My kids are now sullen teens with attitude to spare, and there is more yelling/arguments/difficult behavior than I care to share.  Basically I was unhappy in my life back then - and little did I know it was only at the tip of the downhill slope.  Would I have changed anything back then, if I knew what was coming? - probably.  Would I have ended up here anyway? - maybe.  Would I have really changed enough in order to make a permanant difference? - probably not.  But here's the thing... the path I have chosen to accept is not making life better and I want to make life better.  Each and every decision I have made along the way plays some part in that.  And at every crossroads there is a new decision to make and I panic... I have recently made a change that will effect my future and I'm curious now to see if I made the right decision.  I had to choose between two jobs.  One which I hate most of the time, but makes more money and might possibly open more doors for me, and one which I hate only some of the time, have some close attachments to co-workers that I might lose touch with, but I get paid very little and I've had to work a lot of nights, weekends, and holidays and missed out on several family moments that have possibly affected the overall relationship I have with them.  I'm letting go of the latter and I worry already that I've possibly made the wrong choice.

But here is my tiny glimmer of hope -

I will have weekends back with my family and quite possibly pick up the things I love again and have the time to remember what I loved about myself and in finding myself again - also forge new friendships with people who like what I like, and that also love me for who I really am.

Back in the Swing

Well...
This is going to be tougher than I thought.  It turns out it is actually difficult to be artistic and creative, while trying to fight off ADD and Depression.  So I went cold turkey and decided I needed to start from scratch.  Again. 
Interesting side-effect: Suddenly I'm knitting and reading and interested in doing some writing again. 
As far as knitting goes, I've finished a Hermit Crab from "Amigurumi Knits".  He is lovely, and I sent him out as a gift for a friend who gave birth in August to a boy, and was decorating his room in a non-traditional, non-pastel way.  Bright ocean colors and clean simple lines.  Nice for a change.  If I ever meet another person who says they are going to do a "Winnie the Pooh" or "Disney" theme in their nursery, I think I'll puke.   Thankfully the last person who said that to me didn't follow through to the full nauseating affect, and I wasn't put through the awful situation of them asking me how I liked it... 
No creativity, no mindfulness.  Strikes me as sad, when the expectations put on children are to meet up to the highest of expectations and the effort put in lacks severely.  Hmmm... perhaps I should back up a bit.  Maybe mine are not so pristine either... 

Oh to be a part of Ravelry

It's time for me to shake off all the remnants of my work of the last 7 years.  I long to move forward and find joy in the new!  A job has been posted on Ravelry, and I - along with God knows how many hundreds, have applied.  And now, I hope and pray to the Gods of Karmic reward that my number is up!  I have been very optimistic that this is meant to be - but there are tiny little monsters of doubt sneaking into my house and stomping on me in the middle of the night.    If it weren't raining, I'd go on a long hike with the dogs today to help stave them off; but instead I will take a hot shower and wash away their little footprints - and go off to spend the day with babies at the Y.  

Send positive thoughts my way!  

Alpaca Farm and Yarn Goodies

This past weekend I traveled to Martha's Vineyard to see my Mom and Dad, but also to visit some lovely Alpacas. What a nice place this is. I wish I had taken shots of her store, which was very nice, but I did manage to bring home some goodies.

The Yarn I bought was actually from Peru, and not her personal stuff, but she was selling lots of hand-knit things in her shop (Knit on Martha's Vineyard), with her yarn. I did buy some nice roving however, a small amount to practice my dying and spinning with. I didn't want to invest in a huge amount in case I'm disappointed with my skill level. I haven't taken a class on handspinning for several years now.

I feel like this little trip is the beginning of my really getting into doing more of the stuff that just makes me happy. SO...on that note, I'm returning to the island for the Fiber Festival on April 19th. I'm hoping to take lots of great photos there. I'll also be returning to islandalpaca for some alpaca shearing. Should be very interesting and maybe I can get some more of this:

and maybe some more yarn as well... or not.




On April 27th I'll be going to see Stephanie Pearl McPhee speak about her new book, which will include a visit to WEBS. So, I have to save some money for that trip. Today I added another event to my happiness trip... I'm going to see Kristin Nicholas at Seed Stitch Fine Yarn.


I'm on a roll folks, and I couldn't be happier.


I also finished my Autumn Tam, but it needs about 1/3 more of the stitches sewn in and to be blocked, which I can't wait for, but apparently not enough that it motivated me to sew in those ends because I cast on for Pototomous instead. The only problem with that is I know I don't have enough yarn to finish the socks, so I may have to frog them and do something else. Like finish THIS HAT!



I truly hope I'm on a path of fulfilling my own happiness with fiber joy!